I have monsters inside of me. These are not schisms of the psyche; they are potentialities that should never come out again:
There is the enraged me, there is the belligerent me, there is the arrogant me, the self-righteous me, the overbearing me, the creepy me, the creepier me. Grating, embarrassing, undignified, humiliating, disgusting, vulgar, all. I have much to apologize for, to so many people, for so much destructive behaviour I enacted that hurt them. Upon reflection, I'm surprised I haven't self-executed.
One of the hardest things about trying to heal is the obligatory self-examination.
I said that these behaviours are "potentialities"; what I mean here is that my always excessive, overly-excessive drinking allows these monsters to come out when I've achieved oblivion and all filters fall away - I'm not excusing myself, I am truly at fault here.
I do not want to be remembered as the monsters I've let out. This is the hardest realization: we cannot redo the past. Some things cannot be repaired. Perhaps just as hard: we are responsible for what happens next.
I ever hold out hope...
