God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Trying to make amends wherever possible is hard enough, but not being able to make amends is harder still. There is much that I've done to try and drive people whom I love and who in turn cared deeply about me away from my life. Angry, drunk emails; angry, drunk blog postings; angry words - these are things I cannot change, cannot take away.
When I was drinking, I used to wake up with a start. I wouldn't remember most of the night before, but I could be assured that I had done something terribly wrong. I used to fear opening my email to find evidence of my acting out and the devastation I wrought upon myself and others around me while I was drunk. I have done much, too much.
I'm not normally a "hateful" person when I'm sober but all the garbage that I've accumulated growing up and in the course of my life did eventually came out when my dark, angry side came out. Sometimes I let it take over especially when I was upset and in pain. Nothing good ever came out of it. I was a bad drunk. I hurt people, and no wonder, they don't want anything to do with me; I don't want anything to do with my drunken self.
the courage to change the things I can
I'm totally committed to my sobriety now as I've never been before. I've lost too much. The road to oblivion is wide and easy, but at great cost. It is the getting back up and turning away that is so very hard. I expect that I will be psychologically raw for a good while. Bad memories will always, I expect, well up to try and defeat and oppress me (things I cannot change). My broken sexuality, my fragile sense of self, I need no longer suffer these unnecessarily.
From this time onwards, I must try and muster the courage to change the things I can. That I'm a write-off to many people is what I deserve. It is a consequence of my drunken and angry, thoughtless natures. I'm trying to break away from this sorry state of being. I might have destroyed much in my life but I still have much to live for:
I'm a grandfather and still have loving family, children and grandchildren who are willing to give me the chance to change, simply because of who they are and who they hold me to be, simply. For this I have much to be grateful for. I'll start from here and try to work my way outwards.
and the wisdom to know the difference
I have my good days and my bad days. But I think, I mean I know, trying to avoid the bad days, the hurt-filled days is what got me to where I ended up. It is high time I grew up and took responsibility for myself. Though I'm still uncertain, still very hesitant (maybe even still resistant), I take great solace and inspiration and hope from the Gospels, and some of the passages have taken on new meaning for me, especially:
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, argued like a child; now that I have become a man, I have finished with childish ways.
For now we see obscurely in a mirror, but then it will be face to face. Now I know partly; then I will know fully, just as God has fully known me.
But for now, three things last—trust, hope, love; and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:11-13
I highly doubt that I'll ever become a "Christian" let alone a good one. I can only try and be a mensch.
Jay
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