For those who followed my last blog (I took it down mercifully), you might have had no choice but to rightly witness and conclude that I was becoming increasingly enraged and crazy insane regarding my life's trajectory. I was racing to rock bottom hard and fast because of my unchecked alcoholism and addictive personality. Now, I'm just tired of seeking to place blame upon others for my flaws and short-comings.
I'm two weeks sober this coming Monday. And, in order to keep myself on my toes (ie, to keep brutally honest with myself) I've decided to start this new blog.
It is not without a certain sense of irony that I'm starting a new blog of this nature because I've never really believed in 'the talking cure'. I don't think is 'a cure' for alcoholism; only a constant effort to be self-aware and deliberately trying to develop a sense of personal responsibility.
I most likely won't be focusing on my shit nor do I want to be constantly whining and complaining. Or, raging, upon the case. This is not the intent of my forum here.
I'm really good at navel-gazing and talking about what I observe and what I think I comprehend in my own small way this great mystery called life and the universe so it is these observations and thoughts that I want to share here as they occur (hey! that makes me sound like I'm completely self-absorbed - I am, but that's not the point).
Despite my past actions and words that might have estranged me from them permanently, I really do love deeply all of my children and grandchildren and my friends, past and present. Being on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (formerly called Asperger's syndrome) I am, at once, a difficult person to read and at the same time wear my heart on my sleeve. I have Russell Crowe's "resting bitch face" that can make even the people closest to me somewhat defensive and confused. And, all the while I was just lost in thought...it can very quickly become a vicious cycle of unintentionally making people defensive and in turn making me defensive when I intended nothing of the kind.
When my eldest and her family moved to Ottawa last fall it suddenly became easier to visit and spend time with my family (I live and work in Toronto). This opportunity of renewal and reawakening of meaningful relationships in my life, and Lucas (my 7 year old beloved grandson) instantly claiming me as his "grandpa, grandpa" has helped tremendously in my decision to try and lead a sober life. -Thank you, G*d...
After making the decision to stop selfishly creating "avoiding me" time (as I did when drinking excessively) I find that I have a lot of "me time" to spend during this pandemic and serial lock-downs, especially living alone as I do. I don't want to continue thoughtlessly, mindlessly wasting my time. So, I'm making a conscious choice to rediscover my long-neglected gifts and engagement with the broader world.
I'm interested in philosophy (Inuit and Western knowledge especially), history, mathematical and scientific thought, politics, and human ingenuity and genius (architecture, bridges, art, music and the like, that is) so these are what I will probably talk about most here. I hope you can join me. And, for those who followed my last blog, I hope you will find me again online.
Jay
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