Meditations on the serenity prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Trying to make amends wherever possible is hard enough, but not being able to make amends is harder still. There is much that I've done to try and drive people whom I love and who in turn cared deeply about me away from my life. Angry, drunk emails; angry, drunk blog postings; angry words - these are things I cannot change, cannot take away.

When I was drinking, I used to wake up with a start. I wouldn't remember most of the night before, but I could be assured that I had done something terribly wrong. I used to fear opening my email to find evidence of my acting out and the devastation I wrought upon myself and others around me while I was drunk. I have done much, too much.

I'm not normally a "hateful" person when I'm sober but all the garbage that I've accumulated growing up and in the course of my life did eventually came out when my dark, angry side came out. Sometimes I let it take over especially when I was upset and in pain. Nothing good ever came out of it. I was a bad drunk. I hurt people, and no wonder, they don't want anything to do with me; I don't want anything to do with my drunken self.

the courage to change the things I can

I'm totally committed to my sobriety now as I've never been before. I've lost too much. The road to oblivion is wide and easy, but at great cost. It is the getting back up and turning away that is so very hard. I expect that I will be psychologically raw for a good while. Bad memories will always, I expect, well up to try and defeat and oppress me (things I cannot change). My broken sexuality, my fragile sense of self, I need no longer suffer these unnecessarily.

From this time onwards, I must try and muster the courage to change the things I can. That I'm a write-off to many people is what I deserve. It is a consequence of my drunken and angry, thoughtless natures. I'm trying to break away from this sorry state of being. I might have destroyed  much in my life but I still have much to live for:

I'm a grandfather and still have loving family, children and grandchildren who are willing to give me the chance to change, simply because of who they are and who they hold me to be, simply. For this I have much to be grateful for. I'll start from here and try to work my way outwards.

and the wisdom to know the difference

I have my good days and my bad days. But I think, I mean I know, trying to avoid the bad days, the hurt-filled days is what got me to where I ended up. It is high time I grew up and took responsibility for myself. Though I'm still uncertain, still very hesitant (maybe even still resistant), I take great solace and inspiration and hope from the Gospels, and some of the passages have taken on new meaning for me, especially:

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, argued like a child; now that I have become a man, I have finished with childish ways.

For now we see obscurely in a mirror, but then it will be face to face. Now I know partly; then I will know fully, just as God has fully known me.

But for now, three things last—trust, hope, love; and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:11-13

I highly doubt that I'll ever become a "Christian" let alone a good one. I can only try and be a mensch.

Jay

Natural philosophy vs. science

Isaac Newton called himself a "natural philosopher". It was only in the 19th century (ie, the 1800s, or at least a hundred years after Newton) when the words "science" and "scientist" came into its modern, common usage rather than the Latin root meaning, knowledge or study.

My understanding of a "natural philosopher" just happens to be defined most readily in Wikipedia (bad, bad, baddie):

Natural philosophy was distinguished from the other precursor of modern science, natural history, in that natural philosophy involved reasoning and explanations about nature (and after Galileo, quantitative reasoning), whereas natural history was essentially qualitative and descriptive. 

and

Natural philosophy has been categorized as a theoretical rather than a practical branch of philosophy (like ethics). (Natural philosophy - Wikipedia)

It is in my usual practice of studying up on particular bodies of knowledge (as broadly as possible) and using reason and reflection on its respective principles and internal logic that I also call myself a natural philosopher, of the more theoretical kind.

I was listening to CBC North radio online when an Inuktitut language call-in show came on and it was about the new vaccine against Covid-19 that was coming to Nunavut. Knowing where most of the callers would be coming from, I shouldn't have been really surprised by what I'd hear but I was stunned and disturbed by what was said by some of the callers.

They came in three different flavours: the religious, the intolerantly fearful, and the reasonable.

Of the "religious" kind, many of the callers invoked the second coming of the Christ; some claimed that they had had dreams and visions inspired by the Holy Spirit of this specific Covid-19 virus which they took as a sign that the end of the world was near with the result being one of fatalism and smugness in being one of the Chosen.

Of the "intolerantly fearful" kind, some of the callers were outright racist and were all about placing blame on the Chinese and the fly-in non-Inuit skilled workers as sources of this contamination, this disease that transmitted itself by way of miasma - I guess they didn't get the bulletin that mandatory face-covering was more about minimizing infecting others than self-protection. Many of this kind also brought up that Inuit were used as guinea pigs in medical experiments in the 195s and -60s, and the this was just the most recent example of the heartlessness of the Qallunaat (those of European descent).

Of the "reasonable" kind, some of the callers were more thoughtful and diplomatic in saying that the vaccine was our best chance against the virus, and that though they didn't fully understand how and why it would work against the virus, they were willing to give it a chance going by what they know of the ways of science. I'm a "natural philosopher" of this persuasion.

The first two flavours are very familiar to me in that, growing up, I developed mistrust and suspicion of others as the default setting having been bullied and mistreated badly by those who didn't understand what the heck I was talking about. In fact, one of my triggers (I found out recently) is the Star Trek: Discovery episode called Su'Kal (season 3:11th episode). It is about a Kelpian who grows up completely alone in a computer program that is designed to teach, socialize and keep him alive 'til help comes. Of course, having grown up alone he's a bit screwed up and socially maladjusted when he finally meets real people - like me in some ways.

Since I learned to read I've been a voracious reader - especially books on science fact/fiction, religion, and social justice (hey, I was raised by a G*d-fearing mensch who absolutely believed in the good of the Gospels). I have a curiosity of a cat that would've died all of its nine lives and more. It's what protected me as a lonely child, and, subsequently, became my means of advancement in life.

Pretty not bad, I'd say, for accidently discovering but deliberately cultivating the natural philosopher in me. Science really is for the intellectually ambitious and the ego-driven; me, I'm just curious about and celebrate the arts and sciences that is all around us.

Jay

Amanda Gorman recites her poem, The Hill We Climb, at Biden's inauguration

I missed bits and pieces of Biden's inauguration including Amanda Gorman's recitation of her poem, The Hill We Climb. No wonder people were blown away by her words; what gush of fresh air and light after such a long, drawn out gloom and doom, "the American carnage":

https://youtu.be/38Rn5WULjmc

In her interview with Anderson Cooper, he asked if she could reveal her pre-recitation mantra and she said, “I do it whenever I perform, and I definitely did it this time. I close my eyes and I say: I am the daughter of Black writers, we are descended from freedom fighters, who broke their chains and changed the world. They call me."

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Like my hero, René Lévesque, I was an Americophile (the revolution, the words and ideas of the founding fathers, Lincoln, the great literary tradition it forged as a young nation) but, like Lévesque, I became disillusioned by what America has longtime become. Gorman is that light that beckoned me originally.

Jay

Some days are good, some days are blah... (or, omphaloskepsis, part ii)

After a long stint of constant drinking (years of it, actually), I have to remind myself now that real life (the life I want for myself) is a complex of the good, the blah, and the ugly. I'm very much committed to my sobriety but this is one of my blah days. My mood is rather grey and dull (numbing) as the day outside and I'm having to force myself to work.

Don't get me wrong: I love my work and I derive a lot of meaning out of it. I feel that it's my rightful place and where I need to be. It's just that, like the weather outside and so much in life I guess, it's kind of hard to reframe without it feeling like I'm forcing (foisting(?)) myself to something that I'm not necessarily into right now. So, I'm not forcing myself into anything but trying to be mindful of how I'm feeling from day-to-day, from moment-to-moment.

Well, maybe it's more like I'm trying to remind myself clearly where I came from. It's a dark little place that fed on my soul and my bad memories and regurgitating them back in my face; don't want that!

I need an even keel even through the dullness and the sometimes tumultuous waters, not a mindless wandering and bumping around in the little black hole called "oblivion". -I don't know why I used to think or, more honestly, uncritically assumed that it was better than my navel-gazing.

There is an actual word for navel-gazing: omphaloskepsis. It comes from ancient Greek, that language of cool ideas and nerdy words, and it derives from the words from the Ancient Greek: ὀμφᾰλός (omphalós, lit. 'navel') and σκέψῐς (sképsis, lit. 'viewing, examination, speculation').

[caption: this is the center of the universe, writ small.]

I love ancient Greek though I can't read nor speak it. So, I think a more accurate expression would be: I love well-rendered English translations of ancient Greek. Ancient Greek articulates so well thoughts that we could not, on our own, but perceive vaguely such that academia is left to sputter: "Yeah, what he said..."

Jay

Stanislav Szukalski

Right now I'm watching a documentary called, Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski on Netflix about a Polish-American artist named, Stanislav Szukalski (December 13, 1893-May 19, 1987). His person and art is like, whoa, wow, oh!

Here is a sample of one of his artwork called, Copernicus:

And here is a link to the gallery on his official website:

Gallery – Stanislav Szukalski – Official Site

I strongly encourage you to check it out. His art speaks for itself.

Jay

Home-cooking

Since I got sober, I've been doing quite a bit of home-cooking. Besides it being a good way to occupy my time planning and preparing, it is also a great way to try and eat healthy. I like the fresh veggies and meat and, if sauce be required by the recipe, I can play around and modify the way I want the dishes to taste.

So far, besides the typical casseroles, I've been playing around with baking salmon, frying salmon and the various marinades that go with fish, experimenting with the side-dishes, like balsamic honey glazed brussels sprouts, buttered pesto penne.

I've also been stir frying. The hoisin chicken stir fry was a bit too sweet for my taste so I won't be making that again. Tonight, to put the remaining hoisin sauce along with other sauce ingredients to good use I made kung pao shrimp which turned out really well.

I made slight modifications to the way I did the kung pao shrimp recipe below, like using pre-cooked shrimp to keep the vegetables a bit more el dente than the suggested cooking time and I used crushed cayenne pepper to heat up the spicy dish a bit more and I garnished the dish with green onions (the way I have seen it served in restaurants).

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Kung Pao Shrimp
INGREDIENTS
For the stir fry:
·      1 tablespoon vegetable oil
·      1 pound large shrimp peeled and deveined
·      1 red bell pepper cut into 1 inch pieces
·      1 green bell pepper cut into 1 inch pieces
·      1/2 cup yellow onion cut into 1/2 inch pieces
·      1 teaspoon minced garlic
·      4-6 dried red chillies
·      1/2 cup roasted unsalted peanuts
·      salt and pepper to taste
For the sauce:
·      2 tablespoons soy sauce
·      1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
·      2 teaspoons sesame oil
·      2 teaspoons sugar
·      2 teaspoons cornstarch
·      2 tablespoons water

      INSTRUCTIONS
Heat the oil in a large pan over high heat. Add the onion and cook for 2-3 minutes or until just softened. Add the red and green bell pepper and cook for 3-4 minutes or until tender. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Add the garlic and cook for 30 seconds.

     Add the shrimp to the pan and cook for 3-4 minutes, or until shrimp are pink and opaque. Add the chilies and peanuts to the pan.

     While the shrimp and vegetables are cooking, make the sauce. Whisk together all of the sauce ingredients in a small bowl.

     Add the sauce to the shrimp mixture and bring to a boil; cook for 30 seconds to 1 minute, or until sauce is just thickened.

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Before too long I'm liable to become chubby if I'm not careful and get lazy about my self-promised daily walks.

Welcome to my new blog

For those who followed my last blog (I took it down mercifully), you might have had no choice but to rightly witness and conclude that I was becoming increasingly enraged and crazy insane regarding my life's trajectory. I was racing to rock bottom hard and fast because of my unchecked alcoholism and addictive personality. Now, I'm just tired of seeking to place blame upon others for my flaws and short-comings.

I'm two weeks sober this coming Monday. And, in order to keep myself on my toes (ie, to keep brutally honest with myself) I've decided to start this new blog.

It is not without a certain sense of irony that I'm starting a new blog of this nature because I've never really believed in 'the talking cure'. I don't think is 'a cure' for alcoholism; only a constant effort to be self-aware and deliberately trying to develop a sense of personal responsibility.

I most likely won't be focusing on my shit nor do I want to be constantly whining and complaining. Or, raging, upon the case. This is not the intent of my forum here.

I'm really good at navel-gazing and talking about what I observe and what I think I comprehend in my own small way this great mystery called life and the universe so it is these observations and thoughts that I want to share here as they occur (hey! that makes me sound like I'm completely self-absorbed - I am, but that's not the point).

Despite my past actions and words that might have estranged me from them permanently, I really do love deeply all of my children and grandchildren and my friends, past and present. Being on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum (formerly called Asperger's syndrome) I am, at once, a difficult person to read and at the same time wear my heart on my sleeve. I have Russell Crowe's "resting bitch face" that can make even the people closest to me somewhat defensive and confused. And, all the while I was just lost in thought...it can very quickly become a vicious cycle of unintentionally making people defensive and in turn making me defensive when I intended nothing of the kind.

When my eldest and her family moved to Ottawa last fall it suddenly became easier to visit and spend time with my family (I live and work in Toronto). This opportunity of renewal and reawakening of meaningful relationships in my life, and Lucas (my 7 year old beloved grandson) instantly claiming me as his "grandpa, grandpa" has helped tremendously in my decision to try and lead a sober life. -Thank you, G*d...

After making the decision to stop selfishly creating "avoiding me" time (as I did when drinking excessively) I find that I have a lot of "me time" to spend during this pandemic and serial lock-downs, especially living alone as I do. I don't want to continue thoughtlessly, mindlessly wasting my time. So, I'm making a conscious choice to rediscover my long-neglected gifts and engagement with the broader world.

I'm interested in philosophy (Inuit and Western knowledge especially), history, mathematical and scientific thought, politics, and human ingenuity and genius (architecture, bridges, art, music and the like, that is) so these are what I will probably talk about most here. I hope you can join me. And, for those who followed my last blog, I hope you will find me again online.

Jay